my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Who put my cat in the fridge?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
