The beer is more important than you right now.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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