Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize