He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
