Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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