I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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