And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
