I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
