i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
