i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
