3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
