I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
