I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
