so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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