Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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