i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
