3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
