TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
