He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
