just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
