Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
