You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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