how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
