when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
