you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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