Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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