Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
