It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
