at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
