I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
