Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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