after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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