I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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