I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
