And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
