Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
