I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
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