just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
