why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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