my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
