you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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