I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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