you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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