Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
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