Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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