Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Houston, we have a blender
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
