From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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