How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
