I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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