he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
