you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
