his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
