Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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