You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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