She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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