I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
