he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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