1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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