i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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