You're so nebulous sometimes
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
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