it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
