I cannot find my penis.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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