I wish my penis had an off switch
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i was born a porn star she said
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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