Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
