Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize