Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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