Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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