The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
