So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
someone owes me an orgasm
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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